“Like Mary, Mother of Jesus?”

My friend and traveling companion Mayerlin has a very unique name which is difficult for many people to pronounce after hearing it for the first time.  To make it easier for us, Mayerlin often introduces herself as May, for short.

In Africa many people want to greet foreigners and this greeting will involve asking your name.   For us as three single females traveling many of these friendly greeters are often random men.  You’d think that Mayerlin introducing herself by her nickname would speed up this often tedious process (often these guys are harmless but annoying nonetheless) however the conversation will invariably proceed as follows:

Random Man:  So what is your name?

May:  It’s May.

RM:  Oh, ok Mary.

May:  No, May.

RM:  Like Mary, Mother of Jesus?

May:  No, like the month…May, June, July.

RM:  So Mary, where are you from?

May:  The Dominican Republic.

RM:  The what?

May:  The Dominican Republic…It’s an island…in the Caribbean…

RM:  (dumbfounded silence)

May: ….near Jamaica….

RM:  Oh Jamaica!!  I love Reggae music! You know Bob Marley?

Sometimes at this point May will claim Bob as a relative, and sometimes I think they might actually believe her.

The Joys of Public Transport in Africa

On this African adventure my companions and I have vowed to use public transport almost entirely; buses (long distance and local), minibuses, ferry boats and trucks.

The advantages of public transport are of course the cheap price but also the experience of rubbing elbows with locals (although this can be both enjoyable and unpleasant..)  Some of the disadvantages of pub trans include long waiting periods, infrequent bathroom stops and losing all of the feeling in your ass.

The Bus

The majority of our progress thus far has been made using the long distance bus.  I will have to check with Nora to be sure about the travel times but here they are roughly:

Jo-burg (SA) – Gaborone (Bots) : 5 hrs

Gabs – Palapye : 3 hrs 

Palapye – Maun : 4 hrs

Maun – Nata : 3 hrs

Livingstone (Zam) – Lusaka : 6 hrs

Lusaka (Zam) – Lilongwe (Malawi) : 14 hrs

Lilongwe – Mzuzu : 6 hrs (it was supposed to be 4 but the bus got a flat tire)

Mbeya (Tanzania) – Dar es Salaam : 12 hrs

That’s alot of time on a bus.  Mostly bus rides aren’t that interesting, but once in a while something notable will happen.  In Malawi a volunteer typically leads the passengers in prayer before setting off.  I don’t know if this occurs because of the devout religious faith of Malawians or because of their fear that the bus won’t reach its destination…

In Botswana if you arrive late or get on the bus when its already full you’re left standing in the aisle until a seat opens up – if a seat opens up. 

The only bus ride so far that has featured live animals was in Tanzania (unless you consider cockaroaches to be live animals, in which case we also encountered some on a Zambian bus), and it was what I believe to be a single chicken discreetly concealed in a small cardboard box.   I wouldn’t have even noticed it except for the box’s makeshift airholes and the soft clucking noise that emanated from within, which definitely indicated the presence of a fowl.  Also in Tanzania we saw two goats tied to the top of a tanker truck.

Then there are hawkers selling everything from airtime to to bananas to cheap fashion jewlerly and shoes.  They swarm the bus stations and ranks – and in TZ even the places where the bus even slows down for more than 10 seconds.  The hawkers in Botswana are the most aggressive while those in TZ have the widest variety of goods, offering their wares up to the high bus windows on spiked sticks or boxes balanced on their heads.

Minibuses

Knowns as “taxis” in South Africa – they can be some of the most cramped and uncomfortable means of long distance transportation – however I would still prefer them over riding in the back of a truck.

Maun – Bush Camp (Bots) : 1 hour

Mzuzu – Nkhata Bay and back (malw): 4 hrs

Mzuzu – Chitimba: 2 hrs

Chitimba Malawi – Tanzanian border: 2 hrs

After crossing the TZ border and walking about 1 km, we got on a vehicle of Chinese origin that I do not feel can be correctly classified as either bus or minibus – but somewhere in between.  We took this what-what from the border post to Mbeya and the trip was about 2 hours.

Our first minibus experience with all our crap was in Botswana – and it was pretty comical since we all have about as much stuff as we can carry.   The minibuses there don’t have any space for luggage in the back so you have to hold everything on your lap – and the laps of whatever people happen to be unlucky enough to be sitting beside you in the front row.

The minibuses we rode in later had room in the back for our packs.  Not that this meant they were any more comfortable….

Add : Space for luggage

Subtract : leg room between rows, all seat padding and consequently all feeling in one’s ass after about 30 minutes.

Trucks

Don’t worry Mom, it isn’t exactly the same as hitch-hiking…not all the time anyway

Nata (Bots) – Livingstone (Zam) : 8 hrs

Chitimba – Livingstonia (Malawi) : 30 mins

Following a 3-4 hour bus ride from Maun via Nata, Botswana we arrived at a petrol station in no-man’s-land only to find there was no connecting bus to the Zambian border…

Meghan, our intrepid little negotiator arranged a lift for us in the back of a man’s pick-up truck all the way to our final destination in Livingstone, Zambia.  Our fellow traveler in the truck was a lone Japanese man who appeared out of  seemed somewhat out of place without the usual gaggle of sun-protected, picture-snapping countrymen.

Sun protection was something my friends and I all could have used a bit more of on this leg of the trip.  Pigmently-challenged Nora covered herself with every article of clothing she could manage to grab out of her backpack at high speed, while I arrived partially sunburnt (failing to re-apply Block appropriately).  Meghan, who generally laughs in the face of sunblock was burnt to a crisp and subsequently peeled in a bizarre pattern which gave her the appearance of suffering from a rare skin disease for several weeks.

Ferry Boats

We haven’t had to take very many of these so far.  The first trip was pretty short and uneventful by itself

Bots – Zam border crossing, Zambezi river : 10 mins

The second trip from Dar es Salaam to Zanzibar Island (4 hours) was a bit more interesting due to high waves and barfing children.  There was no barfing Amber though – Thank God for seasickness pills!

We head back to mainland TZ today from Zanzibar…so we’ll be able to add a few more hours to the ferry total!

Chuck Norris Facts

A South African friend told me about this website…here are some of the highlights:

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy – its a Chucktatorship.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Head Transplant Needed

It’s too late.  She’s already rotten to the core.

South African Celebrity Sighting

This occured last week on a lunchtime trip from my office to The Centre (aka the mall). I was walking with Heather and my two co-workers Lungile and Phumelele, who recognized her first. I looked up to see a familiar face approaching on the sidewalk and thought, “I know her, who is that?” just as Lu and Phu breathed an awe-inspired, “Buuuuuuusi.”

Leleti Khumalo plays Busi on the insanely popular South African Soap Opera, Generations, which is on SABC 1 weekdays at 8pm. When I lived in Limpopo during PC training, part of my evening ritual was to watch Generations with my host family – and I kept up the habit for pretty much the entire first year I lived in Durban.

The show is set in Joburg, and all of the starring characters work for a large (fictional of course) magazine publishing/advertising company. Khumalo plays one of the bosses of the company, who when I first tuned in had just lost her mind and tried to kill herself (drowning)- thanks in part to the meddling of a scheming co-worker. Since then she’s made a miraculous recovery and is back on the job, and rekindled a potentially disastrous former relationship with dastardly gangster and diamond runner, Jack Mabaso. Despite Jack’s untimely death a few months back, Busi has managed to keep it together and is doing quite well these days.

Leleti Khumalo (aka Busi) played the title character in the movie Yesterday (2004) which is about a woman living in rural Kwa-Zulu Natal who learns that she’s HIV positive. The film was nominated for an Oscar in 2005 and I would recommend it. She’s also been in Cry the Beloved Country with Richard Harris and James Earl Jones and Hotel Rwanda with Don Cheedle.

Khumalo got her big break, however, in 1985 when she was cast in the leading role of the musical Sarafina!, which went to Broadway and then finally to the big screen (1992) where she starred opposite Whoopi Goldberg. I’ve also met the author of Sarafina!, Mbongeni Ngema (Durban is actually a pretty small town).

I guess as South African actresses go, Leleti is one of the most popular and best known internationally. When we saw her on the street, she didn’t seem too excited to be recognized and just sort of walked by ignoring us. I can’t blame her though. She must get recognized everywhere she goes (South Africa is actually a pretty small country) and that would get annoying after awhile – that and being called Busi when it’s not your real name. So if you ever see her on the street I would advise calling her Leleti instead.

Hamilton and the Mystery Polony

I returned home after another trip to the Berg to find a mysterious package of Polony in my refridgerator. At first I suspected it may have been left by one of my recent PC volunteer houseguests.

Leanne? No probably not, doesnt go well enough with beer. Leena? A brief text message communication (“Did u leav polony n my frdge?”) revealed a serious Polony aversion on her part. And I knew Heather was ruled out since she never shops for her own food.

For those readers not familiar with this particular South African food product, allow me to provide some further information. Polony is a processed meat product similar in taste and texture to bologne. Also like bologne, its usually used to make sandwiches and is pretty much the cheapest “meat” option in the store. Technically I’d bet Polony doesn’t even require refridgeration due what in my estimation would be a near total absence of natural ingredients.

Polony is most often sold in a saugage-like roll, and for some unexplicable reason is served, grated, rather than sliced. It’s also bright pink. Sometimes Polony is used as a substitute for ham – like on a Hawaiian pizza I got once. Surprise!

After I crossed my recent houseguests off the list of potential Polony fanciers, I was momentarily baffled by the mysterious Polony deposit. Then the answer slowly crept into my mind….Hamilton.

Hamiltion is my landlady’s live-in gardner/watchman/handyman who lives in a little cottage on the corner of her property – a cottage that is sans fridge. Around Christmas last year I also kept a “chicken” in my fridge for Hamilton (it was actually a cornish hen, but these are unimportant details) because he is a very nice man and a good neighbor. He also has keys to my flat in case he has to “fix” anything while I’m at work.

Of the three different hats that Hamilton wears I would say that the gardener hat fits him the best. He’s always busily sweeping leaves and doing other garderning chores, and every day when the rubbish is collected, there’re always quite a few bags of yard waste piled outside that I assume he’s cleared away from somewhere on the property during the course of the week.

As a watchman, however, he’s slightly less effective. To any burglars he would be about as threatening as a Yorkshire terrier. Nor is he extremely vigilant. I usually have to call rather loudly several times outside of his little cottage if I want to get his attention. This is if he’s even home, since he’s often down at “The Shops” – by which he means the nearest Shoprite grocery store. Once in a while Hamilton borrows money from me before he goes to The Shops. He’s always paid me back though. I’m glad to know I can help keep him in Polony.

Handyman-ing is not his strongest suit either. He’s a bit of what could be termed nicely as a “space cadet”. About six months ago my shower stopped working, or rather slowed to a pathetic trickle. I surmised this stemmed from some sort of blockage in the pipe (I naturally imagined a gigantic cockaroach wedged in there) and Hamilton was called in by the landlady to investigate.

In the process of removing some pieces of tile, he managed to drill a hole through the drywall and into the pipe, so all of the water that should have come out of the showerhead gushed out of the wall instead, at waist level. Though this is an amusing story it didn’t make my blog at the time of the incident since back then I didn’t find the whole thing very funny.

Poor Hamilton, he felt really bad about the whole thing so I did my best not to appear extremely annoyed by the situation, although probably failed miserably. He had tried his best and he isn’t exactly qualified as a plumber – which was well known by my batty landlady – so as usual I tried to take out most of my frustration on her (see previous post “I need and old priest and a young priest”).

Anywhoo, Hamilton and I get along smashingly for the most part. Usually our conversations proceed as follows:
Hamilton: Oh, it’s HOT today.

Me: Yes, very hot.
Hamiltion: The rain, it is coming.

Me: Uh-huh. The rain is coming.

Hamilton: Ok. I am going to The Shops now.
Me: Ok. See you later.

It’s actually kind of surprising that Hamilton doesn’t ask to use my fridge more often. I guess technically he didnt Ask this time but that’s ok. I think his wife is visiting him this week (she usually stays at his other house a few hours away), so maybe he did a little extra shopping. Whatever the case Hamilton can be sure his Polony will always be safe with me.

My Boss is a Gospel Singer

My boss Dan is very involved in his church. He also enjoys listening to gospel music. I’ve been aware of this preference ever since we moved into our current offices and I’ve been able to hear his daily musical selections through our shared wall.

South African gospel does not really resemble American gospel very much. There some similar elements like singing about god and having choirs and other smaller groups of singers back-up a soloist…but for the most part the energy, harmonies and songs common to American gospel aren’t there. Also South Africn gospel isn’t in English.

What I didn’t know until recently is that Dan also moonlights as a gospel singer – he’s even part of a gospel group in his home province of Limpopo (which he visits frequently) along with his wife and three other ladies. I was even more surprised to learn that Dan is not only a part of the group – but is the lead singer – with his wife and the other ladies serving as back-up vocalists.

These new discoveries came during this week’s staff meeting when Dan announced the impending release of his self-titled (and self-recorded) gospel CD. I’ve been hearing it through the wall all week and I can honestly say its not half bad, considering it sounds alot like all of the other South African gospel recordings I’ve heard. It is a little weird though to hear him talking on the phone and then at the same time hearing his voice emanating from his computer where he plays his CD. Just a little bit more Dan than I’m used to!

Nicolas Meets the Mini-Bar

Nicolas lives in the Northern Cape town of Jan Kempdorp where he works at a community-based organization. I had the pleasure of meeting Nicolas for about the third time, at a recent training workshop we held in the Northern Cape. But this particular visit was characterized by particularly intense periods of Nicolas (pronounced NEE-koh-laahs here BTW) exposure during which I learned much more about him than I had known previously.

Nicolas is a 24-year-old Xhosa. Despite his age, I hesitate to classify him as a man…let’s say he’s about 24 going on 16. He is, however, a highly entertaining individual and his level of maturity only adds to his ability to entertain, charm and convince you of pretty much anything – to a point anyway. Eventually you realize that there is a distinct lack of substance to many of Nicolas’ stories and claims but this somehow does not stop you from wanting to hear them.

During our time together I learned that Nicolas is a yellow belt in Tai-bo; his all-time heroes of course being Tai-bo Master Billy Blanks followed by close-second Chuck Norris. I was also regaled with tales of his time spent at “Initiation School” aka Camp Circumcision. Thankfully the gorey details were spared and most of the story focused on the fancy outfits he got to wear, the amounts of beer he drank, and the special meals the village women were required to prepare for him.

The highlight of the workshop was when my colleague, Moeti, and I were informed that Nicolas managed to, in one sitting, consume practically the entire contents of the mini-bar fridge in his room at the guest lodge. This amounts to no less than 5 candy bars and 4 cans of soda (as luck would have it there were no alcoholic beverages present…so I guess technically it wasnt a mini-BAR, but whatever).

When informed that he would have to pay-up for the candy and sodas, Nicolas plead ignorant – saying that he assumed those things to be free, using the logic, “well if they were in my room they must be for me.” He also plead broke, saying that he only had enough money with him for the cost of transport to get back home (which we later determined to be true).

It is very possible that Nicolas would never have come in contact with a mini-bar before, as he grew-up in a rural area and doesn’t frequently stay in hotels. Probably the only times he’s stayed in a hotel before this incident occurred were for previous workshops sponsored by my organization – during which any mini-bars present were strategically emptied before any of our delegates arrived to avoid exactly this type of situation.

Upon arrival at the guest lodge everyone was given a price list for the items in their mini-bar. When questioned about this Nicolas again plead ignorance claiming never to have received this information. He also somehow during the course of his stay managed to piss off the guest lodge staff to the point where one member was threatening to confiscate his lugguage if he did’nt pay his mini-bar tab.

This left Moeti and I with the task of “sorting-out Nicolas” before departure. Our solution came in the form of a R 34 ($4.65) loan to be paid back the following week. So far we’re still waiting to be reimbursed…

Ode to the Laundromat Man

 

O Laundromat Man, O Laundromat Man,

I always avoid you for as long as I can.

Your eyes black and beady, your teeth mustard brown,

Are certain to greet me along with your frown.

Your balding, bespectacled countenance I dread,

When all I really want is clean sheets on my bed.

You sneer at my parcels and weigh with disdain,

All the dirty laundry I’ve brought you again.

If only a bathtub, I had in my flat…

I could wash my own clothes, I wouldn’t mind that!

Some clothes return bleach-spotted with many a crease,

But this I must overlook to maintain the peace.

I could stay and wash them myself – it’s true!

But that would only increase my exposure – to you!

My options are few as by now you must know.

For month after month down to your shop I go.

You smoke like a chimney and smell like a boot,

Plus I suspect you overcharge me, you rascally old coot!

O Laundromat Man, O Laundromat Man,

This is why I avoid you for as long as I can.

Finally Some Good News

There are two things that came to my attention recently that I would like to highlight. As this is my blog on South Africa I will start with the good news from SA first. If you’re not interested in politics I suggest you read no further.

The Next Best Thing

The SA government is finally doing something right when it comes to addressing the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the country (see my previous post, “Manto Must Go!”). While SA President Thabo Mbeki has failed to sack destructive and idiotic health minister, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, he’s done the next best thing – sidelining her in favor of Deputy President Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka who he has appointed to head up the National AIDS Task Force. Incidentally, I think if Mbeki had his way he would choose Phumi for the next president of SA over ZUMA, but that is another story. This is what Phumi was heard to say to a crowd of health professionals and church leaders shortly after her appointment:

” We must take our fight against Aids to a much higher level. We must tighten up so that ARV [antiretroviral] drugs are more accessible, especially to the poor. Education and prevention of HIV infection must be scaled up. Our people want us to unite on this issue in the best interests of the health and wellbeing of our nation. Working together we can defeat this disease.”

These statements are actually coming from a high-ranking member of the SA government! I’m so excited!!! It might be a bad idea to get too optimistic at these early stages, but at least things appear to be moving the right direction. I doubt, however, that everyone is quite as happy as I about the changes…

Poor Manto doesn’t demotion suck??